ExtraChristy

Matthew 18:15-20

In our scripture reading, did you notice the three steps that Jesus gave for conflicts? The first was to talk to the person directly, not to win an argument but to restore the relationship. The second was to talk with witnesses, not to gang up on the person, but to ensure the community got trustworthy information and that BOTH offender and victim made a verifiable effort to resolve the problem. The final step was to not to let one person hold the whole church hostage — to move on as a church and let the offenders live with the consequences of their decision to go against the group.

Listen to how our Book of Discipline explains the purposes of having church discipline in addition to the secular courts. Our church listens to Jesus! Here are three that match up with our scripture.

…to bring members to repentance and restoration;
— Go privately

…making clear the significance of membership in the body of Christ
— Go with Witnesses

…to restore the unity of the church by removing the causes of discord and division;
— Go on your Way

— Presbyterian Book of Order D-1.0101

An upset in the church leads to a movement to fire the pastor. In the turmoil, a couple from that church goes to visit another congregation. They are met on the church steps and told, “If you are here to worship, you are welcome. If you are here to act as you did in the other church, you are not welcome, because we like our pastor.” Go to them directly and offer them a place if they behave.

The man had a weary wisdom that came from living through a long march of years. “We had a different way to handle wife beaters back then.” he said. “When we saw what was happening, a bunch of us men went over to his porch. We told him we didn't hit our wives in this town. He never raised a hand to her again.” Go to them with witnesses.

A consultant was called in because a group and the session were at odds about how the church should go. Instead of judging winners and losers, he proposed a special worship service of reconciliation between session and the families. All were personally invited. All the session and all but one family came and rejoined the congregation. The one family said in tears, “I just can't”. They realized that the church was going forward so they ceased their phone calls and emails and went to another church. If they refuse to listen to the whole church let such a one be no longer in the group.

You may choose different sides, or want a different outcome over the stories I shared, maybe more harsh with some or more lenient with others. I told them not to take a survey over the rightness of the outcome, but to talk with you about the power of community in conflict.

Jesus knew this. He also knew that goal of conflict resolution was not voting down or up, or the power of right over wrong, but of restoration of relationship. “If the one listens to you, you have gained a brother!” Not “You have won the argument!” Or the crowd votes with You! The goal is reconciliation and restoration if possible, fair warning after the first effort and finally moving on with common life if we cannot agree.
Too often in personal life we are stuck. We don't make the first effort to talk directly to the person seeking reconciliation and restoration to family. Instead we focus on the argument on winning or blaming. Jesus can save you a lot of heartache and low level anxiety by going to the person and reaching out for relationship instead of winning. You are going to help the relationship and regain a family member.

People with a good relationship can withstand more conflict than those without, for they tend to the relationship and maintain the connection, not just the issue of the day. They also seek understanding instead of winning, for they value the relationship. My long-time friend was so angry with me once. She was spitting mad. And I spit right back. I told her boss I was worried about her and she thought I should butt out. I told her she could be mad at me, and even hate me, but I was not going to let her kill herself without getting her help. Then we went to lunch. We are still friends because we talked to each other.

The second step is to help and protect. It is so that everything can be witnessed — not to gather a lynch mob. When things get so tense you can't trust one another, you can try again with witnesses so that folks know you did try to do the right thing and restore relationship, no matter what the other might accuse you of doing. It also helps keep you on task. “…This is being recorded for quality assurance…” works in visits with live witnesses as well as electronic ones. You know you have to make the effort and a credible effort when someone is listening.

I know a teacher whose students come from Spanish-speaking parents. Because she doesn't speak Spanish, she had to modify her class management plan slightly. One of the consequences for disruptive behavior requires misbehaving students to call home, admit what they have done and ask their parents for suggestions on how to behave in order to improve learning. The modification is that another student now stands by the phone and witnesses the call. The witness pokes the student when the call goes off-topic to encourage a complete and accurate account. Go with witnesses for your protection for the protection of others and also to encourage you to make your best effort…quality control.

The third step moves from helping to protecting. The whole church tries once more and, if unsuccessful, leaves the person there and moves on. They don't stay and fight with the people who are not on board; the congregation moves on. The choice was made and it should be respected. This is a good scripture for those of us who tend to nurse long-term grudges or mull about hurts from years ago. Some folks just aren't ready to make up yet. Our job is not to fix them; that is the job of the Savior of the world: –Christ not Christy –Jesus and not just us. Neither is it our job to give up and let a few sabotage what we are doing and what we are about. You have to go on with your life, not go on with the fight.

In your personal life you may have to make arrangements with the court or law enforcement. Perhaps, in extreme cases, you may need a divorce lawyer or you may need to move to your own place into order to move on with your life as you answer God's call. If you have sincerely sought out your offender to heal the riff between you, if you have enlisted help from others to witness your best efforts at reconciliation, then you will find peace as you move on without that person and that conflict.

Jesus doesn't promise a stress free life. Christ doesn't make everyone perfect right away. Christianity is a relationship, a way of life. In the midst of disagreement, we seek to honor the relationship in the conflict, to be true, honest and open in our dealings, and to accept that sometimes we need to move forward even when others want to hold us back.

Honor everyone, seek reconciliation, be true, open and honest with those with whom you disagree; seek the best for the entire community and you will be with Christ even when righting a wrong.

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Matthew 18:15-20

In our scripture reading, did you notice the three steps that Jesus gave for conflicts? The first was to talk to the person directly, not to win an argument but to restore the relationship. The second was to talk with witnesses, not to gang up on the person, but to ensure the community got trustworthy information and that BOTH offender and victim made a verifiable effort to resolve the problem. The final step was to not to let one person hold the whole church hostage — to move on as a church and let the offenders live with the consequences of their decision to go against the group.

Listen to how our Book of Discipline explains the purposes of having church discipline in addition to the secular courts. Our church listens to Jesus! Here are three that match up with our scripture.

…to bring members to repentance and restoration;
— Go privately
…making clear the significance of membership in the body of Christ
— Go with Witnesses
…to restore the unity of the church by removing the causes of discord and division;
— Go on your Way

— Presbyterian Book of Order D-1.0101

An upset in the church leads to a movement to fire the pastor. In the turmoil, a couple from that church goes to visit another congregation. They are met on the church steps and told, “If you are here to worship, you are welcome. If you are here to act as you did in the other church, you are not welcome, because we like our pastor.” Go to them directly and offer them a place if they behave.

The man had a weary wisdom that came from living through a long march of years. “We had a different way to handle wife beaters back then.” he said. “When we saw what was happening, a bunch of us men went over to his porch. We told him we didn't hit our wives in this town. He never raised a hand to her again.” Go to them with witnesses.

A consultant was called in because a group and the session were at odds about how the church should go. Instead of judging winners and losers, he proposed a special worship service of reconciliation between session and the families. All were personally invited. All the session and all but one family came and rejoined the congregation. The one family said in tears, “I just can't”. They realized that the church was going forward so they ceased their phone calls and emails and went to another church. If they refuse to listen to the whole church let such a one be no longer in the group.

You may choose different sides, or want a different outcome over the stories I shared, maybe more harsh with some or more lenient with others. I told them not to take a survey over the rightness of the outcome, but to talk with you about the power of community in conflict.

Jesus knew this. He also knew that goal of conflict resolution was not voting down or up, or the power of right over wrong, but of restoration of relationship. “If the one listens to you, you have gained a brother!” Not “You have won the argument!” Or the crowd votes with You! The goal is reconciliation and restoration if possible, fair warning after the first effort and finally moving on with common life if we cannot agree.
Too often in personal life we are stuck. We don't make the first effort to talk directly to the person seeking reconciliation and restoration to family. Instead we focus on the argument on winning or blaming. Jesus can save you a lot of heartache and low level anxiety by going to the person and reaching out for relationship instead of winning. You are going to help the relationship and regain a family member.

People with a good relationship can withstand more conflict than those without, for they tend to the relationship and maintain the connection, not just the issue of the day. They also seek understanding instead of winning, for they value the relationship. My long-time friend was so angry with me once. She was spitting mad. And I spit right back. I told her boss I was worried about her and she thought I should butt out. I told her she could be mad at me, and even hate me, but I was not going to let her kill herself without getting her help. Then we went to lunch. We are still friends because we talked to each other.

The second step is to help and protect. It is so that everything can be witnessed — not to gather a lynch mob. When things get so tense you can't trust one another, you can try again with witnesses so that folks know you did try to do the right thing and restore relationship, no matter what the other might accuse you of doing. It also helps keep you on task. “…This is being recorded for quality assurance…” works in visits with live witnesses as well as electronic ones. You know you have to make the effort and a credible effort when someone is listening.

I know a teacher whose students come from Spanish-speaking parents. Because she doesn't speak Spanish, she had to modify her class management plan slightly. One of the consequences for disruptive behavior requires misbehaving students to call home, admit what they have done and ask their parents for suggestions on how to behave in order to improve learning. The modification is that another student now stands by the phone and witnesses the call. The witness pokes the student when the call goes off-topic to encourage a complete and accurate account. Go with witnesses for your protection for the protection of others and also to encourage you to make your best effort…quality control.

The third step moves from helping to protecting. The whole church tries once more and, if unsuccessful, leaves the person there and moves on. They don't stay and fight with the people who are not on board; the congregation moves on. The choice was made and it should be respected. This is a good scripture for those of us who tend to nurse long-term grudges or mull about hurts from years ago. Some folks just aren't ready to make up yet. Our job is not to fix them; that is the job of the Savior of the world: –Christ not Christy –Jesus and not just us. Neither is it our job to give up and let a few sabotage what we are doing and what we are about. You have to go on with your life, not go on with the fight.

In your personal life you may have to make arrangements with the court or law enforcement. Perhaps, in extreme cases, you may need a divorce lawyer or you may need to move to your own place into order to move on with your life as you answer God's call. If you have sincerely sought out your offender to heal the riff between you, if you have enlisted help from others to witness your best efforts at reconciliation, then you will find peace as you move on without that person and that conflict.

Jesus doesn't promise a stress free life. Christ doesn't make everyone perfect right away. Christianity is a relationship, a way of life. In the midst of disagreement, we seek to honor the relationship in the conflict, to be true, honest and open in our dealings, and to accept that sometimes we need to move forward even when others want to hold us back.

Honor everyone, seek reconciliation, be true, open and honest with those with whom you disagree; seek the best for the entire community and you will be with Christ even when righting a wrong.

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I met someone Sunday because I knew her father.

While we were in Israel we met the man in charge of all the arrangements for our tour. He greeted us with the question, “Who is from Ohio?” Two of us raised our hands. When he found out I was from Akron, Ohio. He beamed, “My daughter works in Akron, Ohio! At the Waterloo Restaurant!” We agreed it was a fine restaurant and talked about the creampuffs as big as your head and milkshakes a yard tall.

So this Sunday, I went to the Waterloo Restaurant and asked the server if I could talk to Mona since I had met her father in Israel. She came over and we talked about her father and the lamb at the family restaurant in Bethlehem. After she left, the server came back and said, “She is very excited.” She is telling everyone, “He knows my father!”

Here are two people who have little in common except both knowing “the father” and a bond is formed. Gives me hope that all those who claim God as father can be united someday for no other reason than, “He knows my Father!”.

[blockquote]Knowing the Father

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”

Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don't know where you are going, so how can we know the way?”

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.” — John 14:1-7 (NIV)

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